all things in moderation

It's been a not-so-good day. Actually more like a not-so-good hour, since I know this feeling will pass. I'm unable to completely stop the mental tape from playing in the back of my mind. The recording is something like this:

"You are worthless, stupid, lazy, and boring. You are ugly. You know you don't deserve anything. Your words don't carry weight."

To be able to interact with others, to even write this entry, I have to turn down the volume on that tape for a few moments. I'm worried that I'll never be able to scrap it. It seems to keep skipping at certain points and then replaying from the beginning..The statement I'm having the hardest time with at the moment is the one that says "Your words don't carry weight." This is where the record skips whenever I gush excessively over the things people do or say: Over thanking them, over praising them. Eventually driving them batty.

I recently realized it's not about being phony (Coming from the Holden Caulfield School of Mental Distress, I'm predisposed to assuming all faults must stem from phoniness! *sarcasm*) -it's about feeling that nothing I say has an impact. Therefore, I must say it more emphatically than other people. I mean everything I say; I just say too much, too strongly. It can be annoying to say the least. Why doesn't it have an impact? Because I'm "worthless, stupid, lazy, and boring", because I "know" I "dont deserve anything." It sounds so dramatic when I put it that way. What I really mean is that I gush to make up for what I think I lack. The things that some may hold against me.

So instead of saying thanks one time, I must say it over and over. I can't just like someone, I have to love them. I have to say sorry 10x over-even (and sometimes especially) for things I haven't done wrong, or have nothing to do with. And it goes on, and on with me beating myself up over what I could've, would've, should've done in any given situation. Somehow I think people will like and respect me for this, but they end up treating me as weak and broken, which I can understand. I feel broken, in the sense that it's as if something has gone wrong inside, has slipped out of place, and can't be fixed. At least not yet, or without some help. This whole cycle is tiring and, in fact, quite boring! For everyone involved!

To break these old habits takes courage: The courage to be yourself, not to shrink away from what you are. Not to try to hide what you are, or shift focus away from it. I know I have inner reserves of strengh, but courage is something I'm still testing out. I want to experiment with accepting myself, and with allowing others to accept/not accept what I say or do without feeling I owe them more than is reasonable, or more than they're asking. I'm actually used to not being well-liked, and being misunderstood, but that hasn't made me dislike these facts any less. The trick is to be moderate, maintaining a good sense of self-image, but without going overboard and alienating others by being aloof. It's a balancing act, and it's hard to know where to draw the line.

...Wow..The next post needs to be more positive than this, it's getting too dreary even for me.