Monday, July 23, 2007


I know my strengths, which, incidentally, happen to be my weaknesses. It's only through these weaknesses that I've been able to accept the reality of what's going on around me: The inconsistences in the the world and the people in it. Only I can't seem to stomach the whole thing. Reality, that is. I only allow myself a little of it at a time. I wonder if this is what keeps me from totally facing who I am. It's a protection that keeps me sane and at least partially functional. Well, I may be quite jaded by this point, but it doesn't stop me from disappointing others. I've grown so used to those limp-faced expressions, drained of all hope, tired and fed up, I don't even try to defend myself anymore. I simply mirror their faces with my dead-eyed glare, as if to say, "You couldn't possibly be any more disgusted with myself than I am, trust me, it's not worth it to try."

I've realized that I can't remember the last time I actually jumped to my own defense. I'm much bolder in my posts than I am with the people who doubt me in my everyday life. I'm no shrinking violet, not by any standards, but I've ingested so much crap over the years that I've silenced myself when what I really need to do is shout. Or at least protest loudly...It's so much easier to be detached, and not get involved with things, and to above all act as if nothing can harm you if you won't let it. This is the hardest thing to admit: Everything gets to me. I hate my own sensitivity so much and I've stuffed it down for so long that it has burst forth, and become nearly impossible to control, growing arms, and legs, and even a mind of it's own like some mythological beast.

Every rebuff, rejection, correction, critique stings that much more because it's repeated again and again in my mind. I've been indoctrinated, it's a bug in my ear I can't seem to shake; it's just a part of me now. But just seeing all the flaws, both small and large, is not going to get me anywhere. I've skipped the part where you learn to live with them; the part where you grow from them, and move on, you know? The part where most of you are succeeding. I caught between deciding whether to try to be a completely different person, letting go of old and tiresome habits that are toxic to my health, or just giving in and accepting myself as I am, and trying to find joy in what I have now. Both seem very appealing, and there must be a happy medium somewhere. I'm probably not looking hard enough. It's mind boggling to think that I could have both, it's too good to be true!

Anyway, sorry for the depressing-and disjointed-post, I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself today. Sometimes I feel that I'll never fit it anywhere with anyone, and even though I know that is a childish way of looking at things, life has a way of proving my theory right. It's as if all my mistakes and failures are visible in every interaction I have with people. Then, of course, I'm not able to convince myself that these missteps are "strengths" or blessings. Unless being awkward and self-concious are blessings in disguise, heh. I get this creepy feeling that people can see right through me, to the heart of me. The more I try to cover up, the more I try to hide from people, the more transparent I become...So transparent that all that's left is a ghost of a person, all the more easy to forget or ignore. I know even I've forgotten who I am, but then I wonder if I ever really did know. And if I did once know, why did I let her go? And why is it so painful to try to find her again?


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

this is the last beginning

I've completely clammed up. Everytime I start to write it's as if someone has stuck a plug in the drain. I tend to do this when I feel like I'm being overly confessional about things. It's not that I'm afraid to share, I can be very open-too open sometimes with my feelings-so I clam up in an attempt to check myself, make sure I haven't gone too far, you see.

It's a very weird thing to write a blog as if you are writing in a personal diary. I think the thing that helps me to put myself out there is that I've dropped the idea I had when I was a teenager that I'm this super complex, and esoteric individual, and started to assume that my situation is not so different from anyone else. I can whisper my secrets here with some ease because I know that so many of my fears and deep thoughts have been experienced and lived out by the people who read my posts. But old habits still die hard: My life tends to take on this cyclical pattern where I feel that after making it to a certain point I must start all over again..I open up, spread out, put down roots, and then allow myself to wither on the vine because I'm afraid I've overstepped my boundaries. The boundaries I've put on my own life. Somehow I think I'll reach my goals this way. Hasn't worked so far, and I've nearly perfected this technique. Let's try something new.

One very practical (that word "practical" makes me very anxious) thing that I've started to do to try to break the cycle is to get rid of my clutter. Physical clutter first, mental clutter second, and emotional clutter...umm, well that is a continuing work in progress..As I've said before, I'm a packrat..But I think it's actually true what they say, the state of your home reflects the state of your mind, and I want my mind to be very clear. It seems I may have a use for my brainmeats after all, but only if I can clear off all of these old cobwebs first!

I need to learn to "continue", not "begin"..I'm always beginning, but never ending or completing. It's a mixture of things, but I really have to build up an edurance and tolerance of reality..(Yes, I know how strange that sentence sounded, but I didn't know any other way to express it.) No, that's not good enough actually, I don't want to just tolerate it, I want to really enjoy it. Let's see how far I can make it this time.