this is the last beginning

I've completely clammed up. Everytime I start to write it's as if someone has stuck a plug in the drain. I tend to do this when I feel like I'm being overly confessional about things. It's not that I'm afraid to share, I can be very open-too open sometimes with my feelings-so I clam up in an attempt to check myself, make sure I haven't gone too far, you see.

It's a very weird thing to write a blog as if you are writing in a personal diary. I think the thing that helps me to put myself out there is that I've dropped the idea I had when I was a teenager that I'm this super complex, and esoteric individual, and started to assume that my situation is not so different from anyone else. I can whisper my secrets here with some ease because I know that so many of my fears and deep thoughts have been experienced and lived out by the people who read my posts. But old habits still die hard: My life tends to take on this cyclical pattern where I feel that after making it to a certain point I must start all over again..I open up, spread out, put down roots, and then allow myself to wither on the vine because I'm afraid I've overstepped my boundaries. The boundaries I've put on my own life. Somehow I think I'll reach my goals this way. Hasn't worked so far, and I've nearly perfected this technique. Let's try something new.

One very practical (that word "practical" makes me very anxious) thing that I've started to do to try to break the cycle is to get rid of my clutter. Physical clutter first, mental clutter second, and emotional clutter...umm, well that is a continuing work in progress..As I've said before, I'm a packrat..But I think it's actually true what they say, the state of your home reflects the state of your mind, and I want my mind to be very clear. It seems I may have a use for my brainmeats after all, but only if I can clear off all of these old cobwebs first!

I need to learn to "continue", not "begin"..I'm always beginning, but never ending or completing. It's a mixture of things, but I really have to build up an edurance and tolerance of reality..(Yes, I know how strange that sentence sounded, but I didn't know any other way to express it.) No, that's not good enough actually, I don't want to just tolerate it, I want to really enjoy it. Let's see how far I can make it this time.