family matters

So, I've been stalling my blog because I learned some sad news about one of the members of my family. I didn't know if this was the place to vent; I didn't know how to vent, or if I even had the right to. What happened was my sister took my niece to the doctor's for a long overdue checkup, and through a series of tests and examinations found out that she has a bone disease (something that she's had from birth) that is causing her bones to grow out of alignment. And they may not be able to do anything about it.

Now that doesn't mean she's going to die, but it does mean she could become disabled by it later on, because if they are indeed unable to help her, her bones will get progressively more deformed-it could become painful for her, painful in ways that are beyond physical discomfort. Actually nobody in my family is especially healthy. My sister (my niece's mother) has had Type 1 Diabetes since the age of 5, I already told you about my mother's cancer, and I have my own serious health problems. But most of our issues are the kind that are not seen on the surface-the average person could not look at any one of us and tell that we're chronically ill. That won't be the case with my niece. She will probably be ostracized for her illness, merely because she looks different, she'll be treated as unnatural..and there's nothing I can do about it either.

Beyond not knowing how to help her right now, I feel at a loss as to how to help prepare her mentally, physically, and emotionally for her future. How do you teach a person to be stronger than anyone she's known? We can make her tough, but I fear we'll sacrifice the open, sweet spirit she has right now. I want her to be wise, not pitiful. I don't want to make her into a clone of me, I want her to be better than me, because I know she can be. Heh, she's already better than me, she already has this ability to put herself out there, to enjoy life, even if it's hard at times. I don't want that to be taken away from her. I want to teach her to hold onto that, but I have to grab hold of it myself before I can even begin.

So, basically during my break I've been trying not to rationalize my frustration away, trying to seriously analyze it. Trying to convice myself that her life is not over, just because right now I can't make sense of how it will go on. She's not me. She won't give up on herself, I won't allow it, and neither will anyone else in my family. I'm also learning that it's okay to be frustrated with no one in particular, I don't have to be mad at myself or anyone else for what's happened, I still have a right to say, "It's not fair. Life is not fair." But I don't have a right to make this all about me. It's not my burden to bear, but I can help make it a little lighter for her.

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"eating crow"

Have you ever had someone make you so angry, you didn't know what to say? Well, I'm the opposite. I communicate well on an everyday basis, but on those special occasions where I become a raging bull, it's as if my mind becomes clearer, and I'm better able to articulate what's going on in my head. I realize I should've been on the debate team (if I'd ever finished high school) everytime a situation like this occurs. Honestly words are my only defense. My physical body can be seen as intimidating, but I trust my mind more.

Today I was fighting a losing battle, as I am most times. I knew I was in the wrong, but I didn't care. I have too much pride, so no matter how deep in crap I am, I'll try to wiggle myself out. There are times in the middle of such arguements that I can see myself failing. I'm being silly, or pious, or unreasonable-even illogical. I think to myself, "Well, it all doesn't matter as long as I can convince the other person that I'm in the right." But it eats me up later.

Sometimes it's best to let the other person get the better of you. It humbles you, reminds you that the world doesn't revolve around you. That you can be...*swallow*...wrong. It helps me to be able to look in the mirror without despising myself. Still, knowing that you are wrong and feeling that you are wrong are two different things.

I was fighting with my mother about something much more trivial than our usual arguements. I knew I was wrong, and she was right, but that didn't matter to me. You see, my mom was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago. Our lives were never what could be considered great, but as you can imagine, they are now infinitely worse, if only because cancer has you playing a guessing game with your body, and your heart that you are sure to lose. I guess I'm mad about it..I'm angry that this has happened, and that I feel I have no one to talk to about it. My mom has support wherever she goes, all the time; and I'm honestly jealous. Of course that makes me a horrible person, no doubt. I'm rotten for so many other reasons, but that one trumps all.

So, that is what was playing in the back of my mind during our argument. How sick I am of talking about her, about her cancer, and how I feel trapped and abandoned by the people who are "supposed" to care about me (while at the same time I know those people owe me nothing). How utterly depressed I'm starting to feel again. So I picked a fight, and she called me on it. Usually I'd be riled up enough to start something, probably due to the fact that I haven't figured out what to do with all that anger yet (besides blogging). I tried to get into it, but I failed myself. I just couldn't find a good enough reason to go on..I keep thinking, "What happens if I lose her? Will I think back on this moment and curse myself for acting so immature?" Yes, I know I would.

It's the first time in a long time that has happened to me, that I was lost for words. But I'm glad it happened, and that I could grow from it a little-just plain grow up a little. I knew I was wrong, and I stopped myself. She doesn't know what happened, but I do, and that's good enough.

I'm starting to have faith that one of these days I might completely get over myself.

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